what im thinking about right now
whats going through my mind is what i want in life, if im happy or unhappy, if im angry and why? I feel lonely at times, but get over it, lately i been feeling like i want to break down and cry but i shake it off and deal with everything, i keep most of my thoughts to myself rather than sharing them cause its the same old same old. I tell myself this will get better. But i felt like writing now since i couldnt sleep, if i cant talk them out than i rather just write. I wish that i was never born sometimes, than i wouldnt have to worry about bills, school, guys, living with other people, staying away frm my family or see them on neg paths. I know i shouldnt let this affect me but it does. There comes a time when sorrow hits and you are aware of ur true feelings, and wants in life. It is making me realize i been living in the wrong, there is just so much i say i dont understand but most of it i do. idk its hard to make some choices cause i dont want to hurt others feelings break anyones heart, or end up homeless frm my choices, or let anyone down i miss my family but do they miss me all i hear when i go over is about dad and how my mom wants to leave him and they talk about my past. I havent felt like this in about a year and a half, it brings tears to my eyes, cause this is what i been thinking of every fucking day for the past week, i think about quiting school once in awhile but that wont do good for me, dont get me wrong i love school. i wanna run away frm were im living but its just so hard cause im scared and dnt wanna be alone and heart broken yes god will heal my broken heart i knw all that but i dont even have faith anymore it seems. That hurts alot cause i just dont know what to believe in anymore, i been doing drugs popping pills cause i dnt wanna think about all this, this may seem stupid or just like a phase but its real and its what i feel, maybe im just having a pity party, and than i read some stuff about the person i love that just freaked and opened my eyes more, and how they could parcially lie about something, now when i look at that person i look at them twice, but i am gonna stop the talking right here right now,
Let It Out Let It Out
FOR SO LONG I HELD ALL MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND POINT OF VIEWS LOCKED INSIDE AFRAID OF WHAT YOU MAY THINK OR IT AFFECTING YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME. MAYBE FROM THE START I SHOULD’VE NEVER HELD THEM IN. SINCE NOW I CHOOSE TO LET THEM OUT. EITHER WAY THE RESULTS SEEM TO BE THE SAME. YOU SAY YOU SEE A CHANGE IN ME BUT REALLY YOU LIKED IT BETTER WHEN I DIDNT SPEAK THE TRUTH. NOW I JUST WANA LET IT OUT!!! LET IT OUT!!! IM NOT AFRAID TO END UP ALONE ANYMORE. I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TRULY HAPPY FROM MY KNOWLEDGE GODS COMING SOON AND I AS SURE DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL WITH YOU!! I HAVE SO MUCH GOING FOR ME IF I DONT GIVE UP AND TRY MY HARDEST I UNDERSTAND THERE MAY BE TIMES I WILL FAIL BUT I CANT LET THAT STOP ME FROM GETTING UP AND TRYING AGAIN. MY INTENTIONS ARE NOT TO PUT YOU DOWN BUT LIKE I SAID THE TRUTH IS WHAT I SPEAK AND IT MAY HURT YOU, BUT I CANT SEE MYSELF WITH YOU IN THE NEXT YEAR OR THE FUTURE YOULL PROBABLY BE DOING THE SAME THING EVEN IF ITS WITHOUT ME YOUR NEXT GIRLFRIEND CAN BE IN MY POSITION I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE :,( I KNOW MY BEST FRIEND IS TIRED OF HEARING THE SAME OLD SAME OLD AND SO I CHOOSE TO KEEP MY DISTANCE AND KEEP QUIET BUT I THINK SHES RIGHT KEEPING IT TO MYSELF IS MAKING ME REALIZE WHAT JENNIFER WANTS AND WHAT JENNIFER SHOULD DECIDE AFTER ALL ITS MY LIFE. IM DONE TRYING TO KEEP THE FLAME ALIVE WHEN REALLY THERE IS NO FLAME. IT HURTS TO SAY I DONT LOVE YOU A LOT ANYMORE ITS DYING. OR MAY HAVE DIED. WHEN WE SAY I LOVE YOU IT SHOULD HAVE MEANING BUT WHEN I SAY IT I DONT FEEL ANYTHING. I DONT REGRET THIS RELATIONSHIP IT HAS HELPED ME IN A LOT OF WAYS BUT IVE LET IT OUT IVE LET IT ALL OUT I PUT THIS IN GODS HANDS AND WAIT FOR THE MOMENT TO LET THIS ALL GO
I have a voice
Today i will stand up and let my voice be heard
When i speak it will come from my heart and what i believe in
What i decide is for my best interest
Even if i choose the wrong it is my lesson learned
I will follow my dreams and goals
I will fufill the destiny God has for me
Not the man for me, but what god wants for me
In a relationship i do now what more, but what GOD know i deserve
My love is Valuable, Priceless, and is not worth giving to a selfish man
Acception
Accept me as I am flaws, inperfections, choices, mistakes but a lesson learned in life
Accept my beliefs, dreams & goals in life
Accept me and love me for me for who i am and not who you want be to be
Therefore if you question in the back of your mind about me and how i see or do things than you do not accept me but Judge me!
My Theory
Thought after Thought
Feeling after feeling
Emotion after emotion
Than back again and again
Just like a rollercoaster; Or Biopolar Disorder
“So studies show, individuals with degrees explain,”
Personally, I can only speak for myself and my experience
Perhaps you may agree or disagree
I believe this to be
The rollercoaster of life
TBC………..
